I Love You, You Love Me; We're The Shinra Family
by LarkRaven
Summary: A stupid fic I wrote for a challenge... Rufus takes his employees on a 'retreat' to Wutai. Contains mildly bad language and YAOI implications.


I HATE YOU, YOU HATE ME; WE'RE THE SHINRA FAMILY

By: Lark (shinra_girl23@yahoo.com)

I was hungry, tired of Heidegger's drunken goat laugh, and nauseated by Scarlet's cleavage. Palmer was yapping in my ear, Reno was trying to sneak drinks from his pocket flask, and there were strange noises coming from the closet.

This retreat was a mistake from the start.

I can't stand these people.

We had all been working pretty hard. I didn't make my millions to lie back and be happy. There's always more money to be made in the Mako business. Still, I didn't think we had been working *that* hard until Reeve would burst out crying whenever I'd hand him another pile of paperwork, Elena hadn't spoken in three days and I realized I hadn't seen my apartment in a week.

That was when Reno suggested we take a tropical getaway

So…here we were in Wutai.

I wasn't impressed.

Just because we were in a different location, didn't mean the company was different.

Like I said: I can't stand these people.

Now, just because we were on 'vacation' didn't mean we were away from work. I insisted on having a meeting every morning, that way we could keep on track.

Now if only I could get my whole crew together!

Heidegger, to my disappointment, was right on time. He laughed all the way through the door, his tired old green uniform was coated with the powder of doughnuts. How professional. The last thing this man needs is to consume more fat. He is the number one reason why we have that gym in the headquarters.

Which I might close. Expense reasons. Hey, it's not like there aren't plenty of places to jog. And there's always the stairs.

Scarlet was a little late, and already dressed for swimming, unfortunately. I've pictured quite a number of women naked in my lifetime, but oh god, never her. I think she has enough STDs for all of SOLIDER and her boob job is as old as Mt. Nibel. That morning she had a cigarette held between her lips, spreading second hand smooth like she'd been known to spread her legs. I hate cigarettes, and yet everyone around me always seems to be lighting up. She smokes. Reno smokes. Reeve smokes—though I think I drove him to that. After all, I did tell him to either suck it up and take the stress like a man or take up smoking.

I found him lighting up in the hall the next day.

After Scarlet came Palmer. And yes, my friends, there is something worse than an old whore in a bikini:

An old fat guy in a Speedo.

Yes, Palmer was wearing a robe over his choice in swimwear, thank god, but still. A Speedo? Can't they make special all body bathing suits for people who have rolls of fat the size of Junon? 

The man who invented Speedos was stupid. Clearly, he couldn't think things through. And now *I* have to suffer with the consequences.

And so here was this ugly, hairy man (who had 95% of that hair on places other than his head no less) before me, drinking tea and yapping my ear off on how wonderful the water is and how I had to go swimming. I also, apparently, had to eat at some restaurant called Turtle…something. Who names a restaurant after a Turtle? Couldn't they have picked a better animal? There must be a poor business mind behind that name. 

Reno, Elena and Rude arrived together, wheeling a three-person bicycle like they were the three musketeers. I know they're supposed to be close, and be partners and all that cuddly crap, but do they have to show it away from work? Elena greeted us all chipperly, walking with a bounce like she already had ten cups of coffee. (The coffee isn't even good here. I could barely manage to swallow one cup of the dismal black stuff.) Rude nodded in acknowledgement, sunglasses on, even inside. Does he think he's cool? He's not cool. I'm cool. I'm blonde. He has no hair. How can he be cool? And what's with these Turks and their weird quirks? Rude and the sunglasses. Reno and the drinking. Tseng and the dot. What kind of people are rising through the ranks these days?

People like Reno, who was in the room all of five seconds before he reached into his jacket and pulled out a flask to drink from. Only he can drink hard liquor before ten in the morning. He already looked hung over. Couldn't he at least wait until every memory of his drunkenness was gone before he started at it again?

These people needed a vacation? They needed a zoo!

So there we all were, except Reeve and Tseng.

I was hungry. A blueberry muffin was sounding like a good plan.

Oh, right. Reeve and Tseng. Where were they? It wasn't like them to be late. Reeve is a dork and Tseng would get down and kiss my shoes if I asked him to. (Maybe I will one day, just for kicks.) Reeve's ambition in life is to be the world nicest guy, but he goes about it in the most annoying way. He's always criticizing me about on thing or another. "Don't change the Mako rates without telling the people. Don't replace the Christmas bonuses with fruit baskets. Don't charge people for being late to meetings." If they're wasting my time, they should be charged, dammit! But, no. I can never win. Reeve's annoying. I don't like him.

          I don't like Tseng either. And I don't like that dot. Why is it there? Does it do anything? Does it have special powers? Does he draw it on, or was he born like that? Why would someone draw a dot in the middle of the forehead? It would be like if I took a magic marker to my face and just drew a dollar symbol on my cheek. Sure, it might look pretty cool, because I am cool, but there'd be no reason for it. And there's no reason for a black dot in the middle of your forehead.

          Where *were* those two? We were supposed to start five minutes ago. Now I was stuck waiting with these losers. (And you wonder why I wanted to charge people for being late.) 

          Grinning, staring, flirting, laughing, yapping, drinking and weird noises coming from the closet, yet there I sat with my disgusting and cold cup of coffee, putting up with it.

          "Ah, man, Rufus! You should have come out last night! I bought drinks for everybody!" Reno smiled at me.

          When he said 'everybody' did he mean other people, or did he have some kind of split personality disorder.

          "Palmer and I did the Macarena! Gya haa haa!" laughed Heidegger, slapping his fat partner in crime on the back with his flabby hand.

          "We got up on the bar and everything!" added Palmer.

          I shuddered.

          "My evening involved a bar too," said Scarlet.

          I shuddered again.

          "Today we're going biking!" Elena patted her seat of the three-person vehicle she helped hold. "You should come!"

          I would sooner drown myself in my coffee. "Where are Reeve and Tseng?" I asked, ignoring what everyone had said. "And what's going on in that closet?"

          As if on cue (I sometimes have that power) the closet opened, and Reeve and Tseng stepped out, quickly straightening their clothing and looking embarrassed.

          The couple of times I walked in on them naked in the gym hot tub were suddenly starting to make more sense.

          Whatever. At least they were here.

          "Thanks for finally joining us," I said sternly as they slipped into some seats. "Does anyone have any business to report this morning?"

          "What business? We're on vacation!" cried Reno.

          "Retreat," I corrected.

          "Are we supposed to be finding Jesus or something?" the redhead scratched his head, looking confused.

          "I found several desperate men in the bar last night," Scarlet shrugged, stabbing out her cigarette.

          "Is this gonna be quick? I have a scuba lesson in five minutes."

          "Me too! Gya haa haa!"

          That laugh!!! I grimaced. "Fine, go," I told them.

          Heidegger and Palmer got up and left, taking their combined weight of twenty tons with them.

          "Can I go too?" Scarlet asked, leaning over as if she expected me to look at her cleavage. The wall was much more attractive. "I have to get a good spot at the lifeguard stand before those skanky younger girls get there."

          /Don't worry. I'm sure they'll run when they see you coming,/ I thought. Out loud I said, "Fine. Go."

          She smiled sweetly at me, (I think it was supposed to be sweet anyway) and left.

          "If you're letting them go, we're going too," Reno decided, tucking his flask away for later. "We've gotta return this bike soon or we'll lose our deposit."

          "Five bucks," Rude quoted dully.

          "It's really fun, President Rufus!" Elena put in eagerly. "You should rent one!"

          /Or I could glue my head to the table./ "Fine. Whatever. Go. Take your stupid bike."

          "The bike is cool! The chicks really go for it!"

          "There were no chicks, Reno man."

          "Shut up, Rude! There were plenty of chicks! They just weren't lookin' at you 'cause you have no hair!"

          "Rude's right, Reno. There were no girls looking at you! You were just too drunk to know what was going on!"

          "If there were no chicks then who the hell did I sleep with last night?!" Reno exclaimed in fear as they finally took their stupid three-person bike out the door along with their big mouths.

          That left me with Reeve and Tseng, who were staring at one another and fidgeting.

          How many vomit worthy things was I going to have to witness this morning??

          "Okay, go!" I yelled at them. "Get a room!"

          "Um, we already have one," Reeve sputtered as he hastily got to his face.

          "Fine! Go to it!" I glared at them both. "And if you're sleeping with him, I hope at least you know what that dot is all about!"

          Tseng gave me a very strange look before he and Reeve left together, leaving me alone.

          With a disgusted sigh, I pushed away my cup of cold coffee, glad to have silence at last. 

          It was 9:10 A.M.

          9:10 A.M. and I already had to deal with a noisy fat guy, a tub in a Speedo, a skank in a bikini, two men making out in a closet, three annoying Turks and a bicycle built for three.

          What a vacation. Or retreat. Whatever.

          I hate these people.


End file.
